Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*