After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
You Might Also Like
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”