Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
You Might Also Like
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on