*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.