In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
In case you needed to hear it:
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what