Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.