My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
You Might Also Like
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.