Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings