mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Okey dokey.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”