My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
What
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
What even happened today?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.