Okey dokey.
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Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.