is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.