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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
This one’s “Alex”.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.