Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u