I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
Finally, an explanation.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”