My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
we all know this pain all too well