her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This is amazing.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
@funTweeters
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together