“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator