“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
accurate
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.