(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A great tip. #CakeRex
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.