They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
sensitive skin
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*puts my mental health in rice
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE