*puts my mental health in rice
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap