@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

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@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

@BerrymoreBlue

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

@Reverend_Scott

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

@ozzyunc

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

@Bownuggets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room