Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.


I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.


Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight


Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]


You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.


Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room