@WilliamAder Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
@Beerhaze Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You Might Also Like
@WilliamAder 
@therepoguy A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
@beefman138 I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
@cancer_blood69 Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
@amfmpm 🙁
@BerrymoreBlue Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
@FallonTonight Beware of the “party goblin”…
@Reverend_Scott Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
@ozzyunc You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
@Bownuggets Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room