My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.