My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Monica just destroyed the internet
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?