My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
A classic…
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.