I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
You Might Also Like
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
$4 #usedbooks
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once