The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
This makes total sense…
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw