[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Hard not to take this personally
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Finally a use for spoilers…
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol