When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
January has been Januweary
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
And bowling should be called pinball
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.