Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.