*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
girls literally only want one thing..
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.