My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Bed should get ready for ME
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Nice try, NASA
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.