Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My birthstone is kidney
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
the answer was staring at me all along
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware