My birthstone is kidney
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.