My birthstone is kidney
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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.