slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes