I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Breaking news:
can’t talk my ride’s here
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.