Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
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If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what