*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
How it started: How it’s going:
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t