I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I hate everything
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”