Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.