Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.