I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.