You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Many hands make light work
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
President The Rock Obama
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ