It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I hate my earbuds.