My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.![]()
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
May have had one breakfast too many
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
![]()
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”