I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time