My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Canadian owl: Eh?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?