When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.