When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes