When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.