People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.